My Left Knee

So my left knee and I have a long history together. It's been with me since my time in the womb. My knees have always bothered me. I ran track in 3rd grade and every night I had to put IcyHot on them and usually ended up crying because of the pain. At age 12, during a full day of playing hard and jumping off of a porch only 2 feet high my left knee dislocated. Scared the hell out of me. My baby sister just sat by me and cried as I cried and everyone ran to get help. I get chills writing about this, I can close my eyes and I am back to that moment. A year and half later, same thing, different grandparents house. After that, they sent me for surgery, reconstructive surgery.

This surgery required me to 'learn' how to walk all over again, weeks, months of therapy. Two scars, some screws and washers, and moving a muscle over to help support everything. I thinking back, I was a teenager when I went through all of that. I had my mom to take care of me, no responsibilities, no one depending on me, and my only chore was cleaning my room.

About 3 weeks ago, while folding laundry on the bed, I lunged forward to grab a sock and the knee cap moved. I quickly grabbed it with my hands and made sure it was still in place. The pain shot from my ankle to my hip. I almost started crying but Ava was right there beside me and I didnt want to scare her. I yelled for Kenny and made him stay with me while I straightened it out and walked around a little bit. I didnt want to be alone if it actually went all the way out on me again.

So here I am again, 15 years after having reconstructive knee surgery worried about it again. Not sure if one step or another will cause it to move and cause me pain. What if I have a kid in my arms? What if I am alone with the kids? What if my cell isnt in my pocket or hand and I cant call for help? I have been thinking of all these questions for the past month.

I had these concerns when I was pregnant both times. I was very worried my knee would give out with the extra weight but it held. I thought I was clear. That movement proved otherwise. That movement showed that its still unstable and could at anytime go out.

So now everything is freaking me out. Ava cant even come close to it and I get panicky, shooing her off. I am watching and being more careful when I walk. So I guess only time will tell what happens to me and my knee.